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uanewman
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Name: Christopher
Country: United States
State: Arizona
Metro: Tucson
Birthday: 6/22/1983
Gender: Male
Interests: Delta Lambda Phi, Politics, Leadership, Music, Percussion, Marching Band (i know i'm a nerd), racquetball, water skiing, snow skiing, hiking, spending time with my brothers and my friends... the list goes on!!!
Expertise: I am highly interested in politics, leadership, and education. I hope that one day I can help reform the education system and influence young students to become student leaders. I'm also an advocate of music in schools and would love to instruct marching band and/or drumlines.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  UANEWMAN
Member Since:
2/8/2004
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| Emotions can be a little funny sometimes. I keep going back and reading the letter I wrote to the anonymous individual I posted on my blog earlier this week. While I am proud of what I did, because it took me two months to finally communicate my feelings, I find myself saddened by it all. I suppose I should have expected this. It's not like any of us can quickly forget and move on within a matter of hours after a strong emotional connection that still has earthquakes occurring within. I just find myself continually thinking of him and having difficulty shaking him off. I realize that this may be an unrealistic expectation, but it sure would help the return to normalcy occur a tad quicker.
My friend Mike responded to my last blog with this: "you move through people all your life." I've learned two things about that: 1) it's true, and it will sometimes hurt A LOT; and 2) there will be others in time, no matter how it feels now. Hang in there.
And it's true. I still hurt from the experience, and even so, I still wish I could see him and hope it worked out okay. Rationally, I know that altogether that would be the worst decision possible. Each day, however, does get easier.
However, I found myself today during my friend Stef's wedding rehearsal pondering the loneliness. The clock is ticking as I turn 26 next week. And more than ever, I am ready for something stable. I have been ready, but I was rejected, in a not so obvious nor appropriate way. Not to mention, many friends are getting married this year, along with my younger sister in December.
As I listened to the Pastor read the vows and his oratory today, I exceedingly realized my desire for monogamy. Tomorrow, during the real thing, I'm sure I'll be a depressed little bitch, but what an opportunity to look ahead. I will eventually overturn these feelings for the anonymous fellow, especially when I find someone who I find amazing. I think there's potential for that soon.
In the meantime, back to enjoy Montana. Expect a blog really soon about my interesting adventures in this damn state.
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| Dear **********,
I have to start by telling you I never stopped liking you. When everything turned a rye after Pride weekend, I decided to back off and let you decide if there was anything worth pursuing. I stayed open in communicating with you, and so we did just that.
The truth is I could never really understand what your intentions were. I attempted several times just to move on and get over you. Every time I came close to doing so, you would call, message, or email me and you pulled me right back. It seemed for a while, you were genuine about wanting to continue to hang out, but your class was raising you hell.
Last weekend, I was making a last effort to gauge what was going on. To be honest, I thought we were just moving in the direction of acquaintances that happened to be attracted to one another. I didn’t want to read into it any more than that. Then I came to Xtreme Bean to visit you, and I was immediately drawn back in. Whatever captured me the first time, captured me again, but I was trying to stand ground. I just wanted to flirt and see what happened, while still respecting you had work to do.
I felt like maybe I had done the wrong thing after that weekend, as you didn’t seem to bite, yet the flirting continued and with your class being over, we decided to do some wine on Sunday. Despite attempts to contact and set plans, it obviously didn’t happen. In your response to my Facebook message, you even lead me to believe you are looking for something more “romantic”. I know I don’t use that word unless I’m genuinely interested in someone. And yet, I am ignored for our Sunday plans.
Whether intentional or not (and I’ve defended it as being unintentional, but not so sure anymore), you have led me on from nearly the beginning. When it seemed you were interested, you suddenly pulled away or seemingly ignored any quasi-plans we had made. Then when I think you’re uninterested, you then contact me and act as if nothing ever happened and lead me to believe you genuinely want to get together. I tolerated this for the past two months, with disappointment and hope rocking back and forth. It’s as if you’re hot, then you’re cold – bipolar almost – and I had to give up trying to understand you. This has all been my perception. I am not claiming that you did anything intentionally or that you meant any of this, but it’s how it has been perceived by others and myself.
I clung to hope because I haven’t liked someone as I have liked you for years, maybe even since high school. You said you are jaded because you were “burned” in the past. I would hope that someone who was burned would be cautious not to do it to another.
I feel burned. I, too, have become jaded after this experience, because now I understand how it feels to be led on and dragged. It is obvious to me now that even if you really wanted something between us, you wouldn’t allow yourself to let that happen. You were possibly scared. Even if that’s the case, I can’t play those games. I can’t hang around waiting with angst.
I will be honest. I have “led” on others, too. I know of people who like me more than just a friend, and I would give them attention so that I continued to get attention. But I was always clear about the line between friends and something further. I never led them to believe I was interested, and was always clear about my expectations.
I thought about not even sending this to you, and just ignoring you, but I wanted you to hear the truth. I wanted you to at least see how other people receive and possibly perceive your words and actions, because, genuinely, I think you are a good person, and possibly just didn’t even realize what you were doing.
It is in closing that I request that you stop contacting me. Please don’t email me at work. Please don’t call me. Please don’t text me. Please don’t leave any Facebook messages. It’s not that I am upset at you. I’m upset at myself, and the only way for me to get over you completely is to not keep in contact with you anymore.
Feel free to reply if you have anything you’d like to say, but understand by not replying that you accept the situation as is so we can both move forward.
Best regards,
Chris | | |
| Ok, so June hasn't started out as fantastically as I had hoped, but pretty good by all recent standards. This week has plagued me with being sick. Thought it was a sinus issue earlier this week, and now the issue is in my chest.. yummy.
I traveled to Austin this week for work, but met up with my old time friend Ryan. He drove from Dallas and we got to eat some amazing food and checked out 6th Street in Austin. I have never seen so many bars in a 3 block stretch in my entire life. Each side of the street must have had 20 bars in this 3-block zone. It was absolutely absurd, but amazing at the same time. They all looked the same too, which was kinda lame, but every now and then, there would be something unique. Literally, every door was a new bar. The only exception being a pizza stand injected here and there, but that was the only food choice.. PERIOD.. it was way bizarre, but definitely entertaining.
Even though it was Austin, which is supposed to be the best of the Texas cities, it was definitely still Texas. I am not too fond of Texas, and I don't know most who are except those who are from Texas. Texans actually scare me a little bit. Not sure where they get their ridiculous amount of state pride, but it's to a level that's a little unhealthy. It's like the guy on your sports team (or instrument section for us band folk) that cannot stop talking about how amazing they are and how they would be better off not being on the team so they could show their "real" talent, when really that person is just an absolute conceited moron that ends up fucking up everything he/she touches. Yeah, um, that's like the state of Texas. Either succeed from the Union or shut the hell up. Honestly, I wouldn't mind swapping Texas for Puerto Rico...
I will say them Texan boys are hot, but I'm sorry, the "everything is bigger in Texas" saying is yet another bluff created by the damn state to make it seem better than the rest. Trust me, the only thing bigger in Texas is the population of morons compared to other states.
Any of my friends who are Texans... Luuuuv You!
Next week, I'm off to Nebraska, then Montana, so we'll see what joys next weeks travels will bring!
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| Not sure how or why, but I finally grew the balls today right after my post (so maybe Xanga is magic), to end the things in my life that have caused me so much frustration. I have laid down the line. I have done what is best for me by just being honest with those around me.
I will regain my strength and my heart. I will focus on the things that matter most to me. I will do great in all of those matters.
I must take care of myself, before I can stretch myself to help others, but continue the bonds and duties I have with my closest friends.
I need not fain any false judgments or perceptions to make others feel better. I will be honest, open, and truthful.
I will only take on those things for which I can give full attention. At times, I just need to say no, or admit that I cannot.
This is my mission statement.
We all have our limits, and while challenging ourselves is a way of pushing our limits through growth, lacking true understanding of where our limits really are, turn growth into destruction.
I love all of you who have been my dearest friends. To those I may be abandoning, I offer my sincere apologies, but I hope you understand I am doing what I need to do. Thank you. | | |
| It's been two years since my last entry, and after reviewing all my previous posts, I really only wrote when life wasn't going all too well. I guess writing helps sort some of my thoughts and move past the junk floating around in my head. I must say, the past year and a half have been amazing after my life seemingly crashed in Durango, CO, prompting my move back to Arizona. The best thing that could have ever happened to me. It's amusing how we all can pick ourselves up and brush off the dust to move forward. Life is always filled with its highs and lows, and when things are up, it's always stressful to wonder when the next downturn will occur. Such a downturn, I feel, is right around the corner if I don't straighten out some issues.
We'll start with my ever-plaguing issue of relationships. Still have not been able to begin a relationship and maintain one. The last two years have been transformational insofar that I truly don't enjoy the occasional hook-up anymore. I am so glad I have outgrown that phase of my life. However, my over-analytical nature hinders my ability to just be happy with someone. There is only person in my life I could imagine being with the rest of my life, and he is practically engaged. Go figure? It's not from a lack of dating. If anything, I've been a bit of a serial dater lately. Meeting guy after guy, looking for that spark. And I FOUND IT, except, of course, he isn't emotionally ready to handle a mature relationship, so I am left hanging in the balance. One of the issues bothering me at this current moment. The last two months, I have not been able to "get over" this guy who swept me off my feet. Today, I think was transformational. My first time seeing him in about a month, and the sparks were faded, I'm sure largely due to the lack of interaction, and the growth of the past 2 months dealing with the emotional baggage.. it might have been more manageable if it was all packed in Coach? ... oh well.
This is all accompanied by another individual who served as such as great friend by listening to my issues with the previous guy, through which, we became pretty close, but my inability to wipe all feelings for guy #1, made it difficult to move ahead with guy #2. The most troubling part of all this is guy #2 treats me the way I want to be treated, actually communicates, and is more stable. For some reason, however, none of those rational reasons can shadow guy #1. Guy #1 is not at all what I'm looking for, but for some reason, I am intrigued and have difficulties not thinking about him, yet this issue is fading week by week.
Bottom line: I don't want to hurt #2. Am I just using #1 as an excuse to not move forward?
Additionally, the other important pillars of life are a little shaky. I do love my job, so everything is okay on that front, but the financial coupling of work and debt is becoming extremely unsettling. I am out of foreseeable options.. we shall see.
If anybody is reading this, some sound advice is appreciated. :)
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